How To Waste Your Life

1.) Get drunk and jump into a giraffe cage. You probably know the end result, but I’ll give it to you: a broken collar bone and a broken nose. It’s lucky the animal didn’t kill the young college lady. But really, aren’t there better activities to be doing while you’re in college (studying, activism, hanging out, making love)?

(http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070509/ap_on_fe_st/odd_giraffe_attack;_ylt=AkD9QQ.KCNiav.z0IK5vdYUuQE4F)

2.) Go to prison indefinitely for killing a person over…a PlayStation. 19 year old Jonquel Brooks decided that it was smart to steal a PlayStation from his neighbor’s apartment. After the three neighbors confronted him, he pulled out a gun and started shooting. He killed 1 person and wounded 2 other people. After fleeing, he agreed to surrender himself. But instead of going to the police station, he ran away again. He shaved his head and changed his clothes, but the cops found him and arrested him anyway. He planned on attending Fresno State College, but he can now look forward to attending the College of Imprisonment Education and majoring in Sexual Pleasure.

(http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070508/ap_on_re_us/fresno_shooting)

How Many Idiots Can There Be?

Idiots abound, and they are in prominent positions. Let’s take this example from the president–the president of a college student union. He STUPIDLY tried to sell guns from his MySpace page. And these weren’t pistols–they were semi-automatic weapons. The police also found a [fake] military I.D., military chemical suit, and a bulletproof vest. What a way to waste a college education! I guess he’s learning a different kind of education in jail–education in the rear.

Public Kissing…Banned in India!

India has plans to prosecute infamous Bollywood actress Aishwarya Rai. She has been summoned to appear in front of judges to explain why her and Richard Gere participated in an evil plot to flood television sets with the outrageous act of…public affection. India’s been doing this for a while, but since a white man is involved, the story has reached ’scandalous’ proportions.

Trump Gives His Opinions on the Presidential Candidates…Who Cares?

I like Donald Trump. I’m an avid fan of his reality show “The Apprentice.” I’ve learned much about how to be a good manager and planner. But really, do I care much about his political opinions? NOPE! I think America feels the same.

John McCain Lacks Sex Education 101?

John McCain, during a live interview, stumbled on a very basic question. This wasn’t a question concerning the Iraq War. Iran? Nope, not that. Let’s see…should Gonzalez be fired? Nope, he didn’t stumble on that one. Do condoms stop the spread of HIV? Yup, he couldn’t answer that question!

Retirees Get 50% Off at Sex Brothel

If you are a retiree in Germany, get ready for one hell of a discount. Prove that you are retired, and you will get 50% off. A brothel in Berlin will be the first to introduce this very special offer. What a way to be “respectful of your elders.”

A representative at the American Brothel Association was asked if its member businesses would be providing similar specials. “I can’t answer that without getting our members in legal trouble,” says the representative.

News
Funny

Khalid “Sick” Mohammed Admits Killing Daniel Pearl

According to the latest news on CNN, Khalid “Sick” Mohammed admitted to killing Daniel Pearl. “I decapitated with my blessed right hand the head of the American Jew, Daniel Pearl, in the city of Karachi, Pakistan,” he said in a Pentagon transcript. He confessed to planning 9/11, a plot to bomb other international locations, and concocting a scheme to assassinate the old, peaceful, former Pope John Paul II.

Disney’s First Black Princess

OMG! Disney is planning on featuring a black princess for its new animation film “The Frog Princess.” This is a total surprise, seeing that Hollywood is afraid of black faces. Maybe television is started to reverse their direction just a bit; as much as a .1% reverse. And hooray to the success of Glory Foods!

New Mexico Legislature Wastes Time with Pluto, Fighting Cocks Retirement

I was originally going to tease the New Mexico legislature (Joni Marie Gutierrez specifically) attempt to declare Pluto a planet. Yes, people, they are willing to waste time over stuff like this. AS IF THE GOVERNMENT DOESN’T HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DECIDE OVER. But while researching this subject, I encountered something else that was much more interesting. According to New Mexico’s legislature website, the Speaker’s Table has a memorial not just for Pluto’s planet declaration, but a memorial calling for the “suitable retirement of fighting cocks.” I researched some more information on this retirement for roosters, and I laughed.

Future News in 2012: World Citizens Denounce Celebrity Fanaticism

The Mayan prediction of the year 2012 bringing rebirth to the world seems to have come true. It’s December 31, 2011, and crowds are gathering around the headquarters of The Sun, Daily Mirror, and Daily Star. They are carrying torches in their hands, shouting very loudly, “F*ck tabloids! F*ck celebrities!” As soon as midnight arrived, they set fire to the headquarters. A mob gathered at The Sun stripped naked, formed a human chain, and danced around the flaming building. A fight later erupted when the police attempted to control the people with tear gas.